Its rainy and I miss my kids i miss having a family, its true.  But it illumninates other things too.  Like now when my 9 year old son is asking me over and over for things while I am cooking I just let the anoyance wash over me like a warm breeze and just have to hug him breath in his curly hair and I am so glad I have that; that he lets me hug him.  When my little girl writes on my journals or rips a favorite shirt or breaks  a glass I keep the pieces because I know she was there… When I go out with Claire and wind up spending more than I though I should when I  have to endure endless discussions on anime characters I have to deal with her teenage pms because my visit day happens to coincide with that I am just grateful i have chocolate. That is not feeling sorry for myself that is being aware of how much I still have of what I lost from whatever changes in my ex and myself wrought.
because change growth or digging my heels in and trying to live out some fantasy making great life changing mistakes of character is part of my life.  That one day Ill be working on keeping love alive again but I will have a deep and abiding respect for what the higher power give to me to keep in my heart and for what I see around me.  Way more than I ever had before, its part curse but, since I am it, I have to grow with it.  Its true and I stayed for years in misery because I knew what I was going have to give up and I knew I would not be able to divorce myself.